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good for the gander

by shoney lamar

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1.
i said goodbye, it was panic-induced. left to strive inside recycled abuse. suffer from compulsion indulgence, adults shove it, shove in admitting trauma feels childish. too generous, unearned. all of the above and below so many cars in the parking lot to hide behind sometimes its better to just hide in plain sight imagine damage congealed, a collage, a modern camoflauge admitting trauma feels emasculating, debilitating, unhelpful all of the above and below. find my space in the thunder. i tried. nothing there to hiude under, nothing works but work. nothing works but work.
2.
3.
my makeup 03:57
kill the king of do-too-much. let him eat cake and die. don't kill the messenger, we're gonna need that guy. how long before i start applying my makeup? start applying for jobs, every application is an adaptation allocation aggravation decorated declarations an apprehensive path to patience station to station,[patience patience. i gotta feel the hot hand of danger, the hot kiss that blotches my cheeks red. when we wake we excavate the deep decay of devotion. a sort of only pro commotion, commodes full of karmic corrosion. ablutions in the deadest sea. confusion weighs so heavily until it doesnt just as suddenly and you appear right there in front of me. how long before i start applying my makeup? start applying for jobs, every application is an adaptation allocation aggravation decorated declarations an apprehensive path to patience station to station,[patience patience. i gotta feel the hot hand of danger, the hot kiss that blotches my cheeks red. oh the early morning eyes and hands, similar and alone, it's not lost on me. and i wanna waste time, so i draw and redraw the line. what was i thinking?
4.
amelia 04:12
hey, much like a song, i might forget what it's all about. often it's coming for you. constant cycles. i know it's better broke up. porcelain broke up, tucked in. but i can't today, i gotta walk away. why did i not deny? what if amelia wasn't just amelia? what if she plays volleyball with her friends against her enemies? and can i ref? or something? something? medical moves when everybody starts waking up, already up and i'm gone, hanging off the back of trucks. totaled up to zero. i messed up, oh god i just gave up. i wasn't jumping, boys. as i danced out the door i said "whoa." went down, whoa. been before the crowd before. what if amelia wasn't just amelia. what if she's got papers in the top drawer? what if i checked before? if i can't come over, then i might jus wait. drain the day if i get the chance to play. oh, i'm on fire, kicked down the door. i kicked down the door what if amelia wasn't just amelia? what if she's searching for that missing kid from HQ in the basement? what if amelia wasn't just amelia?
5.
i'm afraid to sit down i'm afraid to eat this food it smells too good. suspicious powdered dishes cutlery that just must be for cutting me they made fun of us darlin thats not right i would rather have them all for lunch. oh, this isn't just a game or nothing, she put the cat down for real. did it right in front of my face. i mean what the for real gimme the chance to feel maybe it's just me i'm suddenly not hungry. they made fun of us darlin thats not right i would rather have them all for lunch. leftovers for lunch heat em up eat em up turns out yr family is just wow i mean, wow
6.
uh huh, i was writhing i was ready how could i find myself forgetting our pathetic adventures. ignore my filthy fetid joke impulse theres no difference between signals and symbols but nobody wants a lecture another psychodrama. nausea-soaked i'm going for the throat, chokeheld, kinda thinkin this all could help. not so good when i add it up. uh huh, and if we make it thru the warm months some kind of normalcy's supposed to show up then we're somebody better. were you for real coming for me or performing? unshook, unseen, i'm dumb, kinda thinkin this all could help. are we done here? i'm better. god i had muddy big thoughts. it seemed so simple. though no need for stubborn subtleties. i know nobody got it. i said it, i apologize. probly let it rot inside. i'm alright, i'm alright, i'm alright. miserable. i got it all. i couldn't find my moby dick companion. i couldn't feel it inside.
7.
caught a lost cause just to watch it cry and die, let it rot inside a sty. yea we want to talk it out. a mushroom shell upon us all, an audition room sofa. got our own share of jealousies; they were on sale. we come undone, it's fine. if its gonna break apart it's not armor. aren't i supposed to be the carnival barker, the piranha pariah. pathetic green room. hey, buddy, whatcha searchin for? double side scotch tape and scalpels? you been drinkin like you won the raffle. i'm not an professional, no. i guess you did it before but, i guess you did it before but you count on the boys to set it up for you.

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this mirror may or may not be upside down.

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released April 8, 2021

written and recorded by shoney lamar.
copyright 2021

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shoney lamar Concord, North Carolina

he loves to do excercise regularly and also tells others to do that

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